Keep expectations small
For your sake and your family’s, don’t stretch yourself too thin or expect too much. Many days in an ADHD household are full of chaos, interruptions, and unexpected crises. If you’ve just read Stephen King’s On Writing and decided you have to write 2000 words before lunch every day, you’re asking for trouble. If you expect your husband to get home from work early so you can go to an evening yoga class twice a week, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Start by asking only as much of yourself and your family as you know you’re able to give. Check out this example from my Bullet Journal’s Daily Log. I’ve set three goals for the week: strum the guitar (as in pick it up and strum it once), write 50 words for each of my three blog projects, and do one yoga pose.
These are goals I can do even on my worst day. Sometimes I hit 9:00pm and I haven’t written my daily words yet. I want to go to bed, but I tell myself, it’s only 50 words. So I sit down and write, and maybe I stop at 50, but maybe I write 200. Not as good as the days I write 1000 words in one sitting, but hey, I can tell myself I met my daily goal. I am a success. Likewise, maybe I get on my yoga mat most days, but some days I don’t. Sometimes I take five breaths in a forward bend during my before-bed shower. And at that moment, on that day, that’s okay. It’s enough, and I’m enough. Our daily goals shouldn’t push us to make an ideal amount of progress, they should push us to maintain a lifestyle. To make contact with our aspirations at least once daily. Once we’ve convinced ourselves to show up in the first place, exceeding these tiny expectations becomes much easier.Tell your family what you want
Many people with ADHD, myself included, can’t parse subtext. We don’t pick up on hints or infer your true desires by observing your behavior. We need you to tell us explicitly if you want something from us. If you need your family to make time or space for you to pursue a personal projects or leisure time activity, tell them. Some folks think a gesture loses meaning if they have to ask for it. For example, imagine we’re at the beach, and I want my husband to hang out with our son for a couple hours while I take a surf lesson. I won’t wait for him to come to me and say, “You deserve some time for yourself this week. How about I make breakfast and take the kiddo tomorrow morning so you can go surfing?” I’ll tell him, “I’d like to take a surf lesson on Wednesday morning. It starts at 8:00, which probably means I can’t do breakfast for you guys. Could you handle that and find something to do with the kiddo until lunchtime?” Expectations, when they’re not communicated clearly, only lead to resentment. If you’re someone who appreciates unsolicited gestures and you have a spouse with ADHD, you need to find a way to let that go. You cannot expect a partner with ADHD to “just know” what you need because “it should’ve been obvious.” It’s not obvious, and it’s not because your spouse doesn’t care for you. It’s because they need to be told directly.Make the logistics work for your ADHD household
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses — people with ADHD included. When trying to make more time for yourself, avoid making demands of your family’s weak spots whenever you can. For example, my husband has major time blindness and hyperfocus issues that keep him from leaving work on time. I don’t rule out activities on weeknights, but I include getting my husband home on time as part of the plan and the anticipated cost. We all have to do battle with our ADHD sometimes, but making it a daily struggle will only lead to burnout. Don’t ask difficult favors for activities that aren’t a priority. Instead, try to find ways for your family to support you with their strengths. This will make everyone feel more confident and appreciated. My husband’s long work hours may mean he helps out less around the house and isn’t around much on weeknights, but he accrues a lot of comp time this way. He uses that time to let me go away for multi-day writing conferences and retreats while he stays home with our son.Teach your children to self-entertain
Having young children does not make you a full-time entertainer or mediator for your kids. We do kids a disservice if we spend our days doting on them, playing with them, and spending time exclusively on their terms. This sets up unrealistic expectations and deprives them of opportunities to learn and explore. Entertaining oneself and navigating sibling conflicts are both skills children need to learn. The fact that your children aren’t doing these things proficiently right now doesn’t mean they can’t. Siblings compete for parents’ attention by fighting and causing a ruckus, among other things. If they keep getting a reward (your undivided attention) from interrupting you every two minutes, they’ll keep doing it — especially if they, too, have ADHD. While teaching children to self-entertain warrants its own post, I will say here that screen time doesn’t count as self-entertainment. In fact, if you use screens to get your kids out of your hair on a regular basis, it’s probably sabotaging your efforts. Our home has very limited screen time and a reasonable, not overwhelming, collection of low-tech toys. My five-year-old happily plays alone for long stretches of time when he’s home with me. Of course, I balance this with time spent together. I love playing games with my son and we recently joined a bouldering gym down the street. He’s also grown to love what he calls “together time,” when we each work on our own projects at the dining room table. I get a lot of work done this way! While it may be painful at first, teaching your children to entertain themselves without screens, gizmos, or your constant guidance is one of the best investments you can make.
Refuse to feel guilty about taking time for yourself
Every ADHD household goes through periods of disarray. For some, it feels more like a constant state. You may feel, as the person responsible for this whole circus, that you have no time for hobbies. Personally, I love to read. I also have a bad habit of only allowing myself to curl up with a novel at bedtime, when I’m so tired I nod off after a few pages. But reading during the day feels too indulgent when I have so many jobs to do. Who’s going to clean up the basement if I don’t do it? How can I ignore the stack of boxes in my office? The living room rug needs to be vacuumed! There’s always something to make me feel like I haven’t earned a break yet. No matter what’s happening in your life, don’t run yourself ragged like this. It’s not good for you or your family. To be at your best, you need to give yourself time to recharge, whatever recharging means for you. As long as your request is fair and reasonable, and you’re making room for your partner to recharge, too, you have no reason to feel guilty about demanding a few hours for yourself every week.Self-care is both necessary and deserved
Even if life feels chaotic right now, don’t put off your personal fulfillment for a time that feels convenient or right. In an ADHD household, that time may never come. And don’t use your personal pursuits as a reward, either (e.g. “I’ll let myself work on a craft project once I’ve repainted the dining room”). Take my dad as an example: he works a physically demanding job and always feels behind on projects around the house. And yet, he makes time to jam with a folk music group every week. He practices his instruments frequently and brings them along every time he visits us. Without these small outlets, these things we do for ourselves, the drudgery takes over. Depression sets in. Our efforts start to feel pointless as we tally up the stuff we haven’t finished yet, haven’t started yet, or haven’t done right. So stop telling yourself you haven’t earned it. Stop waiting for your family to make room for the things you want to do. Ask for what you need, do a little — even if it’s only a little — every day, and most of all, stop waiting for a good time. There’s no guarantee you’ll get a better time than right now.Hey there! Are you enjoying The ADHD Homestead?
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