My ADHD has taught me not to trust my own heart. Something might seem like an enduring passion now, but who knows if I’ll even care about it in six months. I used to get excited every time I started down a new path. That joy is much more tempered now. With each year I’ve grown older, I’ve learned these sparkly new projects aren’t guaranteed to go anywhere.
I recently started a fun new side project. A year from now, I may transform this side project into a new branch of my business. Or I may keep it as a hobby, nothing more. I hope to be no worse off either way.
Ideally, we ADHDers would approach all new passions this way: with joy and without expectations. We shouldn’t ignore our fear and anxiety. These feelings come from a valid place. Neither should we let those feelings keep us down. But I’ll be the first to admit: it’s really tough to find that balance.
Why do I fear new interests?
Surely not every adult with ADHD hesitates before leaping into something new. After all, we’re the people who blurt out something offensive before considering how others will feel. We act on impulse and rarely remember to pause and think beforehand. But some of us have learned the hard way that these grand leaps — the ones taken before looking — often have hard landings. And as we get older, we worry more about getting hurt.
What can I learn from these fears?
Not all fears and anxieties are bad. After all, my hesitancy around new projects — and my preference nowadays to stick with the devil I know — comes from real-life experience.
We can use our fears as a reminder to spend more time thinking and asking questions — preferably before we act. Anxiety stemming from past failures can teach us a lot about the distinction between emotion and truth. Many people with ADHD struggle to perceive emotions or circumstances outside the present moment (especially if we feel strongly about something). We need a reminder that this moment may not tell the whole story, and our feelings don’t necessarily predict the future.
Consistent habits and hard work over time, not raw enthusiasm, are what will eventually bring us success. Thus our need to find a balance between enthusiasm and restraint. Yes, this new idea feels amazing now, but do I have the capacity to do the work it requires? The answer usually comes after a period of experimentation, not through a single stroke of brilliance.
How I work with fear and anxiety without letting it hold me back (too much).
I’ve been working on a very new and different project lately: learning to code apps for the iPhone. This springs from a long-time interest in coding combined with a few specific events earlier this year.
However, I didn’t use “I’ve always wanted to do this” as a justification for rolling out a new part of my business. I didn’t let myself invest significant resources in the project without proof I was willing to put continuous effort into it. Instead, I followed an initiation process I’ve honed over time.
Here are my four steps for bringing a new project or interest into my life:
- Impose a mandatory waiting period.
Because ADHD is what it is, I’ve learned to force myself to wait — for just about anything. I waited for this blog, working in secret until I had two months’ posts ready to go. And I forced myself not to touch anything to do with coding or apps all summer. I wanted the sparkle to fade. I wanted to lose interest. If it was going to happen, I wanted it to happen before I invested time, money, or reputation. - Begin it as a side project (avoid big investments or announcements).
When I finally let myself cut loose on the project, I didn’t use any of my business money and I didn’t take away from my writing time. I didn’t tease it as an upcoming product or service. I didn’t do it instead of anything. That way, I could save face if it didn’t work out. - Set a goal for how long a project stays in the sandbox.
Sometimes we take up a new hobby for its own sake, and sometimes we want it to become more significant. For me at this moment, that means a new business venture. In the future it may mean attending a five-day surfing retreat in Costa Rica. Either way, it’s important to check in after a set period of time to assess how it’s going. At the end of the year, I’ll decide whether I want to keep coding as a hobby, move on to something new, or think seriously about my app-related plans/ideas. - Don’t include anyone else until I’m sure.
I’ve been tempted so many times to start a focus group, tease an app as a “coming soon!” feature in my email newsletter, or enlist help from others. This is where people with ADHD start to look flaky: we make a big deal out of something and create a lot of hype, only to have the entire project fade into obscurity. Unfortunately, I’ve watched several promising ADHD blogs and Instagram feeds meet this end. No matter how much I want to make this new project bigger, it’s going to remain a low-key side project for now.
Let’s be realistic: we do lose interest, even when we think we won’t.
I don’t get down on myself for having ADHD, but I do acknowledge my obligation to work with it. Sometimes I feel sad that I can’t trust my feelings about a new project — and that in a lot of ways, I can’t trust myself in general. I wish I could have blind faith in a new interest that feels really fulfilling and holds a lot of promise. The reality is, I can’t.
At the same time, I don’t let this reality scare me away from trying new things. For all I know, the new projects I’m starting now could lead to my biggest success yet. Having ADHD is no reason not to give my big ideas a fair shake.
The most important skill I’ve learned is the ability to slow myself down. I no longer dive headfirst into a new project the first week I think of it. I work it into my life gradually. During that introductory period, I give myself every possible opportunity to fail, lose interest, or otherwise decide it’s not for me. Better to let that happen before I spend a lot of money, quit any current projects, or put my reputation on the line.
Yes, this often means working in secret and not blabbing about my new project to anyone who will listen. And no, people with ADHD aren’t good at that. Like a lot of my best coping strategies, it’s been a skill I’ve had to learn through trial and error. I don’t always pull it off perfectly (some might even call this blog post a prime example of that), but my life and projects feel much more manageable now than they used to.
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