Our little ADHD household is in a strange season. With summer came a transition from Pandemic Mode into Let’s-Do-What-We-Can-While-We-Can Mode. On one hand, I know I need to stretch a little more than I normally would. We don’t know what the fall holds for us. If we can safely enjoy time with family and friends we’ve missed over the past year and a half, we should.
At the same time, I’m burned out. Stuff has piled up. I need another hour in the day, another day in the week. I want to pause time just long enough to clean up my pandemic messes, then hit resume and enjoy life with a clear head.
Given the impossibility of that request, I’m trying to do the next-best thing: acknowledge my frustration and burnout and find productive ways of addressing it in the real world1. These feelings can multiply if I feel like my family isn’t helping as much as they should. The first step to getting my head in the right place is often a healthy conversation about our respective contributions to the household.
Get rid of sneaky I statements
When I feel super burned out, I slip into what I call accusatory I statements. I statements are often taught as a conflict-resolution tool: “I feel really betrayed and hurt,” for example, instead of “you did this with absolutely no regard for my feelings.” The goal is to remove judgements, accusations, and assumptions about the other person. I statements make space for vulnerability.
I see this strategy fail a lot, usually because people twist their you-statement judgements into a sentence that begins with “I.” For example: “I feel like I’m the only one who cares if the house is a mess.” Yes, I’m talking about myself and expressing how I feel, but in a very thin wrapper for judgement. What I’m really saying is, “you don’t even care if the house is a mess.”
The problem with this is, ADHDers are used to screwing up and letting people down. It sucks. Not only do judge-y I statements put us on the defensive, they plant the idea that we already have a negative balance with you. We not only need to live up to current expectations — already a source of anxiety — we need to make up for past offenses. Our fear of not measuring up can keep us from trying at all.
Focus on the actual problem
Instead of judging others for not caring as much as I do about the house being clean, I find it helpful to identify the real problem. Objectively speaking, a messy house is not inherently problematic. However, it’s a huge issue for me — one I want others to care about.
The true I statement here is: “when the house is messy, it causes physical stress in my body. I have trouble focusing, my mood is lower, and I’m less creative.” If I start here, by actually talking about myself and the struggle I’m having, I touch on my deeper Why. In my book Order from Chaos, I spend a lot of time talking about finding our Why — figuring out the real reason we want to get more organized — because that Why can provide the motivation we need to keep going.
I don’t need anyone to care about keeping a clean house. I need them to care about me. My mental health is suffering because my surroundings are overstimulating and stressful. Most people will be far more willing to help solve that problem than to clean the house because someone says they should.
Caring for each other vs. convincing each other
Most of us will never completely share a set of values and priorities with the people in our household. I actually wouldn’t want to! Like fictional characters, each of us has a unique set of motivations that drive our actions.
Convincing a group of people to share my priorities because I say so would be an uphill battle anywhere, but we are a household of ADHDers. For some people — people who follow rules because they’re rules, no matter what — “because I said so” will be an adequate reason. Few people actually do that, though, and ADHD’s motivational issues make it even tougher. If it feels tedious and we don’t have a reason to want to do it, we will have a hell of a time trying to force ourselves.
Instead of trying to convince everyone in my household they should enjoy a clean house as much as I do, I have more luck building on our existing foundation: we’re a team. Families love and look out for each other. We try not to cause harm to others, and when one of us is struggling, the rest of us step in to help and support.
These are values worth fighting for (and occasionally over). In this case they may, yes, result in more help cleaning the house. However, they also create a set of expectations for how we treat each other in every aspect of our lives together. I’d much rather work hard on that than try to maintain my authority in the face of every challenge to make people comply because I said so.
Footnotes
1: I know, I know, a lot of people use “real world” interchangeably with “neurotypical world,” and that gives us baggage around the term. When I say “real world,” I mean the tangible, external world I can see and experience — the world where I interact with the people I love — as opposed to my internal world. Make sense?
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