We’ve all made jokes about our ADHD. A little gallows humor can keep us from getting too down on ourselves.
But be careful. Impulsivity, time-blindness, and low self-esteem can create the perfect storm — and a potentially life-threatening situation.
ADHD has a dark side, and several studies suggest it increases suicide risk as much as five-fold.
Relentless emotional volatility and feelings of failure can lead to a lot of negative self-talk: “I’m such a screw-up,” “my family is embarrassed by me,” “I’m a burden,” “I’ll never accomplish anything meaningful,” “my hopes and dreams are worthless because I’ll never come close to any of it,” “everyone would be better off without me.”
For ADHD adults and teens, these thoughts feel like more than a blip, a dark mood that will lift tomorrow.
Time-blindness means we can’t (not just dont — often, we truly can’t) see outside the moment. This moment of weakness becomes all there is. The good times, or even the days when we can see and acknowledge our strengths in spite of it all, don’t feel real. Our perceptions of ourselves lock in on right now, and right now feels like past, present, and future all rolled into one.
It’s at this moment that ADHD-fueled impulsivity — the part of us that fails to consider the longl-term consequences of our actions — crosses from childish and annoying to tragic and potentially fatal.
What to do when it becomes too much
If you’re feeling out of control and frightened, ask for help. Reach out to a friend, go hang out in a public place, take a break. If all else fails, get yourself to the emergency room. As a teenager, I escorted a friend to our local ER’s crisis intervention center and learned firsthand what a lifesaver it can be — even in the middle of the night.
Whatever you do, don’t let yourself believe your problems aren’t real, that it’s “just ADHD,” not a “real” mental health issue. Comorbid disorders are common, and ADHD’s impulsivity and impaired perception of time and consequences can fuel risky behavior.
Unsurprisingly, women and girls with ADHD suffer from high rates of self-harming behavior. Many slip through the cracks and remain undiagnosed until their teens or even adulthood. Girls tend to internalize their struggles more than boys, and ADHD symptoms can manifest differently.
Parents beware: as children mature into their teens and early adulthood, hyperactive ADHD symptoms may fade, but don’t let that fool you. Just because you can’t see symptoms on the outside doesn’t mean your kids don’t need you. In fact, they may need you now more than ever.
Have your or your child had an experience with self-harming behavior? How did you cope, and what would you recommend for someone in a similar situation?
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Bang-on! As a man who attempted suicide in 2011 then committed myself in Jan. 2013 to the local psych ward after again researching how to die, this is so very true! I also lost my brother to suicide. Seeing the room he stayed in was haunting in that psych ward…..We MUST continue to raise awareness! Wonderful job!
Thank you for your kind words, Jeff, and I’m so sorry you lost your brother. What a thing to go through when you’re already struggling. I do think awareness is such a huge part of the battle. Hopefully this post will help someone out there.
Pretty accurate but I’m sick of this ‘girl and boy’ differences bullshit. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS UNIQUE. I’m 25, male, probably 10 suicide attempts in 8 years and self harm scars all over my body. I hate this bullshit and that it will never go away, ive been doing skill courses for years but its so hard for us to stay motivated and consistent. I know for sure life will always be harder for us and I wish others could experience this. I hate that my medications do f’ all and sometimes make symptoms worse, I’m hypertensive 24/7, I have huge impulse issues and anger outbursts are the worst which lead me to hurt myself. I’ll be lucky to live my 30s, if I even make it. I don’t have a plan or intend to commit suicide but I know theres a high possibility i’ll just flip my shit and thats it. done.
‘EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS UNIQUE’. Thank you. Yes. I’m repeatedly seeing things about “here’s how you spot it in girls” when what it means is “here’s how you spot inattentive ADHD”. I’ve only been diagnosed in the past few months at 39 and guys like me will still be missed with that kind of outlook. Look for the disorder and know which is more prevalent in which gender, but don’t pigeonhole!
Gina,
“In girls, it MIGHT be less physically running around but instead ‘running’ her mouth!”
And it can be just like that in men and boys, too. It may not be as common, but my point was that it exists and to only look for these traits in girls is harmful and risks missing people like myself. They should be presented – and presented widely – as other traits to look for in potential ADHD sufferers period. Not just as something to look for in girls because – duh! – gender and behaviour is dictated by the brain and not the genitalia and isn’t always as obvious as that.
“Unsurprisingly, women and girls with ADHD suffer from high rates of self-harming behavior. Many slip through the cracks and remain undiagnosed until their teens or even adulthood. Girls tend to internalize their struggles more than boys, and ADHD symptoms can manifest differently.”
Also, THIS IS ME. To the letter. Guess I’m a woman now. 🙂
The terms “might,” “many,” and “tend to” are critical here. I’m guessing you have your share of regrets, perhaps even blame and disappointment, stemming from people in your life applying “always” and “do” instead. And thus not recognizing your struggles for what they were. Many of us have had this experience, and you’re right: it’s not confined to women.
I find it a little surprising that you’ve called out this particular post for its glancing mention of gender differences, when I’ve written entire posts on the subject. But perhaps that’s the issue you’re trying to bring to light: in a post that’s supposed to be for everyone, I offer a warning about increased risks for women and girls but not men and boys.
It’s tempting, when injustice rears its head, to jump in and say “me, too!” if we feel we’ve experienced it. In this case, ADHD occurs in women and girls at similar rates to boys and men, yet girls are 50% less likely to receive a childhood diagnosis. Half of us are entering adulthood feeling something is terribly wrong with us, but not having a name for that something. Half of us aren’t being given the tools to manage our ADHD until well into adulthood, if ever.
There are common differences in male and female brains. Not universal, but common. And there are common social constructs that make life more difficult for women with ADHD specifically. Again, not universal, but common. And girls with ADHD are just as likely as not to be diagnosed and treated.
I think it’s fair to say that, whether or not all gender differences are inborn or not, fair or not, gender contributes to an unacceptable number of women and girls suffering with undiagnosed ADHD. Suffering from the ADHD, but also from other factors related to being a woman in this society.
For what it’s worth, I seem to have had a more “stereotypical” presentation than you did as a child, based on your comments. My school reports practically scream ADHD. Yet it was never mentioned, not by my parents, teachers, or guidance counselors.
So, no, women don’t have a monopoly on any particular symptom profile. Nor do we have a monopoly on unfair treatment. But as a woman, I won’t ignore the real consequences of gender bias and its contribution to needless suffering for a lot of women.
(As an aside, I could’ve written your comments 10-15 years ago, so I appreciate you giving me a chance to reflect on what’s changed for me in that time. I’m working my thoughts into a blog post for later this year.)
Thanks, Jaclyn. To be fair, I wasn’t going to say anything to begin with in response to this particular article beyond agreeing with a comment. Even when I became the target of a response that I only partially agreed with I was going to leave it alone as I don’t really enjoy arguing. It was when I, once again, came across your article as I sat with my hand bleeding from a self-induced cut that I felt like replying. When I look for answers regarding ADHD and self harm and only find people saying it’s something to watch for in women you can probably understand why that might rub me the wrong way.
I’m a pretty solid feminist in a lot of ways so don’t get me wrong. I totally agree that women and girls are underdiagnosed and that needs to be corrected sooner rather than later. That’s why I would never argue with an article about just that as it’s a subject that needs discussion. It’s when I read things in broader articles that are a complete fit for me when I am actively trying to understand my own behaviours and then see that they’re talked about in a way that would cause people like myself to remain undiagnosed that I tend to get a bit… prickly. Under those circumstances I don’t think a bit of ‘me too’ is unjustified.
Obviously we’re coming from different places here, but I’m not just trying to be difficult. 🙂
I know this article is many years old but I wanted to add to it anyway for future readers. We’ve had a rash this year (2022) of elite female student-athletes taking their lives. One in particular played for Stanford. She was so obvious as a hyperactive/impulsive type. I have listened to multiple interviews she gave. What she has said about her childhood experiences. Being called annoying, loud or obnoxious. Yet in the year 2022 people still did not know what it looked like or what it sounded like. I am heartbroken for this young lady. There was nothing that I could read or see on the other athletes, but I suspect the possibility of it because of our competitive nature and risk taking.
I’m sorry I’m just now getting to this reply, but thank you for mentioning this. It is heartbreaking to me as well, that there is still such a lack of awareness. The progress we’ve made since I was young feels far too small, especially for girls and young women who are at all sorts of risk.