I bet most parents of young ADHDers have gotten at least one concerned note or call home from school. For some kids, it’s just that they keep forgetting necessary supplies or daydreaming or playing with a toy under their desk. Other parents get the call saying your child attacked another student and the parent or teacher wants to meet with you.
My parents usually got the latter (sorry, Mom and Dad). Despite my own kid’s vastly superior social skills, he’s now brought karma around my way. I got a call from the principal to discuss a report that he was “bullying” another student.
My childhood experiences may have helped me out here. I’m not always one to let it go quietly when my kid embarrasses me in front of other people. My own parents made it clear they did not appreciate receiving phone calls about my behavior. I never understood how much they didn’t appreciate it until becoming a parent myself. All the same, I hung up from my most recent call with our school principal feeling downright okay.
That in itself is a victory.
What I did when I got the call from the principal
I’m no expert on parenting or conflict resolution. I wouldn’t even call myself proficient at speaking on the telephone. However, the more we talk about this stuff, the more we can all learn from each other. I did myself a few big favors on the day of the phone call. This helped me and my kiddo turn this into a positive experience for our relationship.
I took notes during the call
I have ADHD and my memory is terrible, especially under stress. Longhand notes help me focus in the moment and remember the the conversation afterward. Studies back me up on this one: when we take notes, our brains paraphrase what we’re hearing. That paraphrasing helps encode the information into long-term memory.
Encode into long-term memory. I love the way that sounds. I also love not looking like a complete idiot when I tell my husband about this stuff later. If I don’t take notes, I draw a blank when I try to remember a stressful conversation.
I remained neutral
Taking notes also slows down my knee-jerk reactions — always a good thing. The reality was, no one had enough information to come to a conclusion. The principal had called to follow up on a concern raised by another parent and ask if I’d be open to a meeting. That’s all. I didn’t recognize the other kid’s name. It could’ve been a big misunderstanding, or my son could’ve been completely in the wrong. It was too soon to know and therefore too soon to react.
I asked clarifying questions
As I took my notes, I could see the information in front of me and jot down things I didn’t understand (without interrupting!). I asked questions to fill in as many holes as I could. This helped me talk to my son later. It also probably made a good impression with the principal.
I agreed to the meeting
The purpose of the phone call was to fill me in and invite me to a meeting. I disagreed with the premise of this meeting and I felt mildly ambushed by it. The teacher hadn’t even had a chance to talk to the kids.
However, this was my opportunity to remedy the situation. I needed to work within the system and appear open to conversation. The meeting, not the phone call, was the place to voice any objections or concerns.
I had a calm talk with my son that afternoon
Suspecting the kids were the sole source of truth in the matter, I had a talk with my son when he arrived home from school. Like with the phone call, I remained neutral, asked follow-up questions when I didn’t understand something, and took notes.
I also tried my best not to “lead the witness.” I said “so tell me about [this other kid]” and let my son speak freely. As the conversation progressed I was also transparent with him about the phone call I’d received.
Perhaps more importantly, what I didn’t do that day
We ADHDers can be an impulsive bunch. When I exit a tense situation feeling proud of how I handled it, I often feel most proud of what I didn’t do. I remember all too well my pre-diagnosis-and-treatment days, when all bets were off. A proportionate response to a situation can feel like a major accomplishment.
I didn’t rush to my son’s defense
While I did say “I’m really surprised to hear this,” I didn’t mount a defense by insisting “my child is not a bully” — even though I firmly believe that. The school’s teachers and staff know him. They know his character. No one needed to hear a speech from me about the kind of person he is.
I didn’t accept the bully label
I tried to strike a balance between avoiding defensiveness and refusing to accept the “bully” label. It’s tough because we’ve all seen the parents who swear “oh, Little Johnny would never…” when we can all plainly see Little Johnny is a sociopath.
At the same time, I know my kid. He’s a sensitive soul who loves to make other people happy. While he does struggle with some social skills, he would never proactively seek out another child to target and bully them. Assuming otherwise wouldn’t help us solve whatever problem the kids were having.
I didn’t drag in unrelated information
My kiddo has had his share of challenges this school year. This phone call was especially difficult because managing his behavior at home already felt overwhelming. However, this was not the time to dump all that on someone else. We were talking about an isolated situation and the proposed next step. Dragging in our full complement of other baggage would only make me look like I was making excuses.
I didn’t berate my kid the moment he got home
No parent appreciates a call from school interrupting their work day. Some parents of kiddos with ADHD spend almost every day waiting for the other shoe to drop. I certainly feel that way about the daily behavior sheets my son’s teacher fills out for him. All I want is a normal day.
These frustrated, anxious feelings are the last thing my kid needs from me. I’m not perfect or even good at sheltering him from it, but I knew this situation required finesse. It was a moment that could either strengthen our relationship or drive a wedge into it.
Not only that, I need him to feel safe telling me what goes on at school. There will be plenty of situations like this: times when he has information only he can tell me. I want him to trust that I’m on his team when problems crop up. We’re going to solve it together.
He needs a parent he can rely on to have his back but also let him know when he’s out of line. That’s what any of us need, really. Living with ADHD is a lifelong project. We don’t always get it right. Many people, even those closest to us, will subject us to shame, intimidation, and rejection when we mess up. As often as I can manage it, I want to be one of the few who doesn’t.
Have you gotten that call home from school? How did/do you handle it with your kiddo?
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