To live a healthy and satisfying life with ADHD, I’ve had to make some sacrifices. This isn’t necessarily good or bad. I do, however, think it’s important to acknowledge. ADHD is a disability. Like with any disability, there will be things I can’t do in exactly the same way as someone without that disability. This hits me differently depending on the day.
Over the years I’ve let certain things go to make more space in my brain and in my days. Sometimes this has felt unequivocally good. I’ve been glad my ADHD forced the issue and nudged me toward the right choice. Other times, not so much. Some sacrifices still sting, even years later.
Since my kid was born almost ten years ago, parenthood has stretched my time and focus in more directions. I’ve had to make more tough choices. For example, I stopped playing World of Warcraft and I totally quit personal use of social media, especially Facebook.
One of these things I miss to this day, and one I’ve never regretted for a minute.
Why does ADHD require these sacrifices?
Before I get into all that, I want to talk a little bit about why I attribute certain sacrifices to ADHD. For me it comes down to hours in the day, and how many of those hours I spend doing basic life stuff. My various memory impairments require me to externalize a lot of processes other people might do on autopilot. I have to create major scaffolding to manage household chores, bills, work stuff, calendars, even family and social relationships.
This all takes time. More of my life is more of a project than it is for the average person. And that’s without even counting the time I spend getting distracted and off course.
Facebook: a focus-stealing time warp
Speaking of distracted and off course, this described my state during the majority of my interactions with Facebook. Toward the end of my relationship with the platform, I knew I wasn’t enjoying it, but I kept scrolling anyway. Whole hours would disappear into who-knows-where.
Instead of being completely present in the moment, I began to see my life through the social media lens. In other words, how I would present it as a post. ADHD can already make it challenging to be fully present. Social media added a layer on top of this challenge. It further encouraged my mind to be somewhere else when I wanted to be right here.
Then the 2016 election happened. My reading and writing brain latched on even tighter. I spent way too much time on discussions that would never go anywhere.
And so I left. I reclaimed my time and attention, and I stepped away from any unnecessary personal use of social media.
World of Warcraft: a team I had to quit
The world of online gaming was a different beast. I played World of Warcraft for several years in my twenties. I was part of a guild: a social organization that also teamed up to complete group challenges and content in the game. The guild filled a large portion of the team-sports-shaped hole in my heart.
Unfortunately, I had to give it up shortly after my kid was born. It was just too much time.
Like team sports, I had to play a certain amount of time to stay in shape to compete with my guild. If I wasn’t ready for an event, I’d let everyone down and mess up opportunities for the whole group. In the end, I couldn’t justify the hours and the money I was spending on the game when I was also struggling to fit in time to write. I stepped away, at least until my writing and my business were where I wanted them to be.
(Side note: when is anything “where I want it to be?” This is the kind of fuzzy guideline that often keeps me from engaging in leisure time activities.)
Sometimes it’s surprising, what feels like a sacrifice and what doesn’t
I chose to talk about these two things today because sometimes the outside world doesn’t know or understand what truly feels like a challenge or sacrifice for us.
It took years for other people to adjust to me being off social media. I suspect some took it personally, as though I didn’t value keeping up with them or seeing their posts. Facebook is so culturally ingrained in our consciousness, I think a lot of people assume when they put a major announcement up there, anyone who cares about them will know about it.
Even so, I’ve never regretted leaving. It feels so much healthier for my time, my focus, my closest relationships, and my mental health. Plus, I spend so much time on social media professionally, I can’t imagine spending any more on there for “fun!”
What I do regret is leaving World of Warcraft. I miss my friends on there. I miss playing together, and I miss being a valuable and competent part of the team. I would love to return to the game someday.
It’s about what feels right for us, not what others expect or want
And yet, I feel like it’s more socially acceptable — maybe even expected — to quit a video game than to quit Facebook. This is certainly borne out in the reactions I got from friends and family. No one questioned me or made me feel guilty about leaving WoW. Meanwhile, I got plenty of comments about how “[the vacation photo album or big life announcement] was on Facebook,” or how someone “forgot” I wasn’t on there.
Our struggles are all different — both what creates a struggle, and what is a struggle to let go. Sure, gaming may be unhealthy for some, but for me it wasn’t. It was a fun, social hobby activity I’d love to resume. Social media, meanwhile, seems to be expected of us even as we become increasingly aware of its pitfalls. For us ADHD folks, these algorithms’ targeting of our dopamine pathways can be especially problematic. And yet quitting can be scary and difficult for social as much as brain-based reasons.
In the end, I think it’s all about what feels right for the individual. Leaving social media was something I probably did sooner because I have ADHD, but it feels like the objectively right choice for me regardless. But giving up my game? I don’t know about that. That’s a case where I have to admit, I kind of wish life were easier. I wish there were more time left over — more time to do something frivolous, like log in and play a game with a group of internet friends.
If you want to share in the comments: what have you given up to make room for ADHD? Was it a tough sacrifice, or did it feel like good riddance?
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