I’m so excited to share this guest post from Claudia D. Claudia (who writes under a pseudonym) graciously allowed me to adapt the following from a thread she posted to Twitter in January 2019. It provides a raw and important window into how ADHD — and the decision to treat it — can impact families. I recognized a lot of this and maybe you will, too. Many thanks to Claudia for having the courage to share.
Just as a heads up, Claudia uses the initials ADHD and ADD interchangeably. I always include the H in my writing, for consistency and to align with current diagnostic literature. But it’s misleading. Especially for people like Claudia’s husband, who present significant attention regulation issues (which is what ADHD actually is) without the stereotypical hyperactive symptoms. I’ve left Claudia’s ADHD/ADD usage as is.
***Ed. note: Claudia uses the name of a specific medication (Vyvanse) in this essay. I have no personal interest in Vyvanse, nor do I have any relationship with Shire, the manufacturer of Vyvanse. It just so happens to be the subject of a tweet thread I found particularly arresting. If you have any other questions, please refer to my full disclosure policy.
Now, without further ado…
At first we ignored the ADHD.
My husband has a dual diagnosis: ADHD and dyslexia. We sought diagnosis for the dyslexia to get reading and disability support. The ADHD was an unexpected little bonus gift.
Even though we expected it, the severity and far-reaching effects of his dyslexia devastated both of us to a degree that made us incapable of truly absorbing the impact of the ADHD.
The psychologist really did nothing to emphasize or support the ADHD diagnosis, except to point me toward Dr. Amen and suggest diet/lifestyle changes.
So for over a year after diagnosis, we continued to ignore the ADHD.
Sometimes ADHD presents as excessive focus.
My husband’s ADD presents as over focused. Some of his symptoms include:
- Closed loop thinking
- Extreme hyperfocus, sometimes for long periods
- During obsession or hyperfocus, he often displays extreme physical hyperactivity
- Risk-taking behavior
Hyperfocus created a living nightmare for our family.
So what happened to snap me out of my apathy toward ADD and my lack of knowledge about treatment options?
We bought a house — and not just any ol’ house.
This thing is a Frankenstein monster.
It had potential, and my husband is handy. He begged and pleaded, drew up plans, convinced me.
I agreed, against my better judgment.
So began my two-year journey into homelessness and housing insecurity with small kids. Parenting alone. Trying to keep my family alive.
That house ate my husband up.
He lived, breathed, ate, drank, thought nothing else.
It was a nightmare project, but a great deal of the nightmare came from a too-big dream and overestimation of his own skills.
Money went all to hell for a variety of reasons. Family relationships suffered.
My husband’s depression was crushing. I feared for his life.
I hit the end of my rope.
I was hitting the end of my own endurance when I discovered @XianJaneway’s posts about ADHD on Twitter.
For the first time, I realized medication could make a life-altering difference.
That was probably six or seven months ago. Now I’m going to fast-forward to today, because this whole getting the medications prescribed thing was a shitshow.
We finally finished jumping through hoops, communicating with the psychologist, the MD, the pharmacy…
And my husband took his first dose of Vyvanse yesterday morning.
Day One: I needed him, he was there.
It was a Saturday, and Saturdays typically suck for us. My husband doesn’t shift from work mode to home mode well. A normal Saturday involves him hyperfocusing on something with the ongoing house rehab and ignoring the kids.
Side note: We live in the house now. It’s a safe haven for us and getting better every day. But that’s another story.
We have a two-year-old and a six-year-old. Typically I try to keep them out from underfoot on Saturday, because he gets frustrated and annoyed with them.
Yesterday morning my oldest daughter and I didn’t feel well. My husband took the little one outside to work on the porch.
Based on previous experience, I expected that to last about 15 minutes and end with him angry and her crying.
Yesterday, thanks to the Vyvanse, he kept her happy and entertained all morning and was able to break free of his obsession (house project) to care for her as needed.
He described his brain state yesterday as more scattered than usual — which makes sense.
I saw him switching between projects and needs, focusing on his family when they needed him, instead of hyperfocusing to the detriment of all else.
Treating ADHD is a huge paradigm shift.
I don’t know how to stress how much of a change this is.
We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 11. I’ve never seen him so capable of expressing his thoughts and emotions. Never seen him set his own project aside, even momentarily, to care for someone else.
That’s not to say he’s selfish on a normal basis. Just not capable of seeing needs until they hit him in the face.
A small illustration that’s happened repeatedly in our lives: If he’s talking to someone, he will not answer the phone. And he loses track of time, so he may be talking to someone for two hours after work and not think to let me know why he’s not home. Shifting between conversations is impossible, so he doesn’t do it.
Let’s say he gets home from work, and he’s on the phone. One of his daughters runs to tell him hi. He ignores her. As if she didn’t exist.
Not business calls. Friends and family who would understand the interruption.
He’s not capable of stopping a conversation, greeting his child, and returning to the conversation. So he doesn’t do it. Deep conversations have always had to happen in a quiet environment with no major distractions.
Until now.
The Vyvanse allows him to shift between conversations and projects without losing the thread.
Today, out shopping with kids, he was able to answer kid questions and then continue his conversation with me.
This doesn’t happen.
A new day.
I woke up this morning to find he’d happily taken his Vyvanse and set out to clean the house, with the kids’ help.
This makes me want to cry because goddamn it, it’s not like he’s never helped. But this was a whole new level. Picking up toys, organizing spaces, finding homes for things — he’s never done that. Typical cleaning for him involves throwing everything in a pile and finding a hiding spot. And then giving the place a lick and a promise.
Not today.
Today he’s the captain, marshaling and commanding his loyal troops. Applying all the organization theory I’ve tried to teach him over the years that never seemed to stick.
This is not a behavioral issue.
Don’t talk to me about diet changes, non-toxic methods, lifestyle changes.
I know we just started Vyvanse. He had difficulty sleeping last night. There will be other side effects.
But.
I was ready to throw in the towel. This proves to me there is a literal, physical issue with this man’s highly creative brain.
He told me last night that I’ve taught him to be self-sufficient. That when we got married, he needed someone he could depend on. He knew he needed to be carried.
I’ve given him something else: his independence.
I honestly didn’t think he’d ever recognize that.
This post is goddamn long and rambling. And honestly, I just wanna go cuss and cry in private now.
He told me he can tell he’s a better dad this weekend…
Holy f—, yes.
Hey there! Are you enjoying The ADHD Homestead?
Here's the thing: I don't like ads. I don't want to sell your attention to an advertising service run by the world's biggest data mining company. I also value my integrity and my readers' trust above all, which means I accept very few sponsorships/partnerships.
So I'm asking for your support directly. For the cost of one cup of coffee, you can help keep this site unbiased and ad-free.
Below you will find two buttons. The first lets you join our crew of Patreon pals and pledge monthly support for my work. Patrons also have access to my Audioblogs podcast. The second takes you to a simple donation page to pledge one-time or recurring support for The ADHD Homestead, no frills, no strings. Do whichever feels best for you!
