If you subscribe to my monthly ADHDgram, you know I’ve talked all summer about how lack of structure affects our brains. I began to see it in June: I’d have to cut myself some slack. By the end of July, my ADHD was really dragging me down. During a vacation in August, I realized my idea of “vacation” was actually self-medication with adventure. It wasn’t until the very end of the summer that I gained my final piece of wisdom: the shifting landscape and lack of consistent structure and routine affected my kid, too.
He may not be diagnosed with ADHD, but he is five years old. Many of the ways my ADHD affects me as an adult are ways in which his brain is still developing. In other words, I’m not the only one who needs external structure and routine to stay sane.
This summer was fun but challenging, and my ADHD probably hindered my ability to see it from others’ perspectives. By the end of August, my son’s behavior looked nothing like the glowing reports I received from his teachers last year. He was defiant, rude, and antagonistic. He’d begun to display a slew of age-inappropriate behaviors that drove me crazy. I didn’t know what to do with him. He was out of control, and consequences seemed to have no effect on his behavior. My last post talked about how time blindness and emotional hyperfocus can make parenting with ADHD a living nightmare. Well, my kid was giving me a run for my money. He was also having a hard time — something I probably acknowledged too late.
Once I did acknowledge this fact — that the very same things that made the summer a challenge for me could also make it a challenge for a young child — I tried to give the kiddo some extra love. I made sure to provide a little undivided attention and quality time each day. When I needed to give him a consequence for unacceptable behavior, I focused on the behavior and tried to emphasize that I wasn’t isolating or rejecting him. After threatening to keep him home from a big family function, I decided to give him a chance, and he took it. We had a wonderful time together. Things weren’t perfect, but I convinced myself I’d seen improvement.
Then everything changed. The morning of kindergarten orientation, he woke up a different child. His responsible, helpful, sweet self made a triumphant return. We still had our moments, but the overall effect was far more manageable. He had a lovely weekend at home, free-ranging between friends’ houses on our block. It was like he’d been waiting for this moment all summer.
And yet, school is a big transition, too. Transitions are inherently difficult — even happy ones. Evenings have gotten a little more tense each day, as I’m sure he’s tiring out from his first week of school. Fortunately, his teachers are fantastic, and they warned parents of this at orientation. They promised more meltdowns, more bad behavior, and more accidents in the coming weeks. As our children work hard to hold it together and do their best at school, they drain their energy. They become more likely to lose it as soon as they enter the safety of home.
I’m thankful for this bit of advice from people who have been there before and seen it all. Their words have helped me keep my cool when my kid has thrown a carrot stick at me or lost his mind because he couldn’t make a braid. And for someone with ADHD, whose default response is to react with whatever I’m feeling in the moment, that’s a big deal.
I’m sure I’m not the only parent with ADHD breathing a sigh of relief this week as life returns to some semblance of order after a busy summer. And if you have a child with ADHD, remember they’re probably doing their best at school every day — and this could leave them with very little to offer you once they get home. Transitions are challenging in the best of circumstances, even for adults with fully developed brains. Our children are doing the best they can with what they have. To whatever degree we can, we need to cut them some slack in these first weeks of school.
Have any summer or back-to-school stories of your own? Please share them in the comments!
Hey there! Are you enjoying The ADHD Homestead?
Here's the thing: I don't like ads. I don't want to sell your attention to an advertising service run by the world's biggest data mining company. I also value my integrity and my readers' trust above all, which means I accept very few sponsorships/partnerships.
So I'm asking for your support directly. For the cost of one cup of coffee, you can help keep this site unbiased and ad-free.
Below you will find two buttons. The first lets you join our crew of Patreon pals and pledge monthly support for my work. Patrons also have access to my Audioblogs podcast. The second takes you to a simple donation page to pledge one-time or recurring support for The ADHD Homestead, no frills, no strings. Do whichever feels best for you!
