Sometimes — maybe even most times — ADHDers don’t realize we’re making a scene until it’s too late. This can humiliate and infuriate our spouses, especially at social functions. Other couples look like the perfect team, sending and receiving signals on their own frequency. They save each other from discomfort rather than tossing each other under the bus. Why, we wonder, can’t we be more like them?
While we may never be just like them, we can improve our social game. Since social cues don’t come naturally to many of us, we have to be a bit more intentional. We need to work harder. But we aren’t doomed to social disasters, and the path to recovery often begins with those signals. We need a discreet way to throw a flag on the field and alert each other to bad ADHD behavior.
Why are partners with ADHD such a social liability?
Distraction, impulsivity, and stimulation-seeking behaviors turn us into walking time bombs at social events. Many interactions between mature adults require attentiveness, self-awareness, and restraint. In fact, it’s easy to assume these qualities define adulthood, as if we all grow into them naturally. People with ADHD often do not.
Sometimes we forget subtlety exists…
For whatever reason, many of us possess a near-total ignorance of unspoken social cues. This may come from distraction, hyperfocus, or a combination of the two. We get so wrapped up in what we’re thinking or saying, we completely forget to “read the room.”
Socializing also requires a lot of focus. I get so flustered trying to manage Basic Conversation Stuff — i.e. talking and listening — that I forget to stop and assess others’ reactions to me. When we ignore clues like body language, facial expressions, or passive verbal hints, we risk snowballing our social faux pas. For the partner standing next to us receiving the signals loud and clear the whole time, this can be mortifying.
…but other times, we self-medicate our way out of boredom.
Grown-up social events can be a little boring for people with ADHD. When ADHDers feel understimulated, we tend to self-medicate. Alcohol, conflict, and inappropriate behavior give our brains a little dopamine boost — usually at someone else’s expense.
For example: before his ADHD diagnosis, my husband made a sport of embarrassing me in front of other people. This usually consisted of inappropriate insults and/or oversharing. When I inevitably got upset, he accused me of lacking a sense of humor. (Editor’s note: this behavior is in total conflict with my husband’s true character. Since being diagnosed with ADHD and starting meds, he no longer does this at all and he feels pretty bad about his past behavior.)
A lot of people think ADHD medications help us focus at work or at school, but they aren’t necessary anywhere else. Not so. These medications raise our baseline level of stimulation. Raising that baseline helps us behave appropriately in social situations. Whether or not you take medication for your ADHD, be aware of your natural drive to self-medicate with undesirable behaviors.
We need to take responsibility for our ADHD’s impact on social situations.
I’ve heard it before and you probably have, too: people with ADHD are the life of the party, right?
Well, sometimes. Some of us get a reputation for being more fun or carefree. Personally I’ve always skewed more toward anxious and overwhelmed, but I get it. People with ADHD, especially the more extroverted among us, can really get the party started.
This can become less appealing as we get farther into adulthood. Behaviors that may have seemed cute or funny or brazen in our early 20s can seem hurtful, immature, and obnoxious later in life. Others expect to be able to rely on us as parents, spouses, and professionals. And we expect our fellow adults to take us seriously.
In other words, we hit a point where we need to reign it in. Otherwise, our behavior can erode marriages, derail professional opportunities, and poison friendships. Thanks to spotty self-awareness, many of us won’t be able to reign it in on our own. This is where a spouse (or trusted wingman/lady) can help us fake it ‘til we make it.
Flag on the field: let your spouse alert you to bad behavior
The person standing beside you may be your best ally in your quest for social success. They’ll see things you miss and help you learn to recognize when you’re doing That Thing again. Work with your partner to establish a clear signal — something only the two of you will understand — to alert you to problem behaviors. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Make sure help is both offered and accepted.Many adults with ADHD carry emotional baggage from late diagnoses and previous social failures. This can make us hypersensitive to criticism. We often perceive it as rejection, especially when it comes from a romantic partner. People deal with this all kinds of ways but unfortunately, one of those ways includes lashing out at the source. Just like you can’t force a person to take medication for ADHD, you can’t force them to accept your help or advice. The ADHDer must both agree the behavior is a problem and express a desire for you to help point it out.
- Make it explicit and intentional (don’t leave any room for doubt).
My husband spent years elbowing me or kicking me under the table only to have me embarrass him by halting the conversation and saying, “what!?” The very same impairments that put us in social hot water make us unlikely to catch your subtle hints about it. Agree on your signal beforehand and make it easily recognizable. You may even want to practice at home with just the two of you. - Use humor when you can.
Years ago, something provoked me during dinner with my husband. Maybe I’d had a long day at work. Maybe the salt shaker fell over. It doesn’t matter. What matters is I pounded my fist on the table so hard, several months’ worth of crumbs ejected from the crack where the leaves join together. After a tense silence, we both laughed until our sides hurt. For a long time after that, my husband would give me a meaningful look and bring a fist down on his open palm to let me know I was overreacting. The funny memory always helped to deescalate the situation. - Work on one thing at a time.
Whatever you do, don’t create an entire sign language vocabulary to flag every problem behavior you want an ADHD partner to correct. In addition to making them feel like they can’t do anything right, most people with ADHD can’t keep that many things in our head at once. We’ll get overwhelmed, and it’ll all go out the window. Choose one priority — say, oversharing, loud talking, or overstaying one’s welcome at dinner parties — and use your signal to help develop self-awareness around it. Wait until you’ve experienced some success, then leverage that new confidence to address the next priority. - Check egos at the door.
If we want to fix the problems ADHD has created in our adult lives, we need to get very realistic with ourselves. For example, our household has had to learn to take the question “did you take your meds today?” in stride. This, like any flag on problem behavior, is based in practicality, not judgement. ADHD affects our behavior and our perceptions. While it might sometimes hurt to have someone point that out, we have to trust others to keep our best interests at heart. We have to them to help us grow. That’s part of what a strong marriage is all about. - Be compassionate.
By that same token, never use a signal to scold or criticize. Use it to help and support. A perceived personal attack will always put the other person on the defensive and degrade their trust in you. Not only that — and I admit this is my personal opinion here — contempt is perhaps the worst toxin you can introduce to your marriage.
Please join the conversation in the comments! Have you and your partner tried signals to help derail bad behavior? How do you send a message without making things worse?
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